"Chasing a Sacrifice" by MSIH first year blogger Aerin Philip



Here I am, my sister’s keeper.

מי שהשפיע עלייך “Who influences you?”
אחותי הגדולה משפיעה עלי “My big sister influences me.”
My Hebrew teacher asked me this question in our class the other day, and I did not fully recognize the meaning behind my answer.



The smile I bear, and willingly wear each and every fleeting moment, is an amalgam of the people who have molded me into the man I am today. Each and every day I come across a fresh new face who has added their life creativity into the artwork of my life. This experience through MSIH is fueled by their energy. The road to reach here has been rough, with challenges I never imagined. But at the core, lies my utter reverence toward my elder sisters. The three of us have shared many memories throughout our childhood – memories I believe greatly are reflected in our daily devotion to the people we meet. We especially have engrained these memories further into not merely thoughts, but actions, as we surpassed through a difficult period. The younger of my elder sisters battled renal cell carcinoma for six arduous years, a defining chapter for everyone she spent time with. Through my youthful adolescent gaze, along with admiration for elder siblings, I feel forever inspired by my sister’s sacrifice. She composed unconditional and empowering love to the end of her battle, stressing her commitment to always give 150 percent of herself to others.

Her battle with cancer is not remembered by the numerous medication trials, deterioration, or the swift movement cancer played into her life. I remember rather her relentless fight and spirit, which exuded transparently her thrill for invoking a smile in those near her. She fought to go an extra mile for those she cared for, a community with no borders in her eyes. These traits are the epitome of what I believe makes an extraordinary caregiver, for I am still in wonder of the nurture I received by her (and my eldest sister’s) education. It is a message I hope to take along with me, each sister’s hand together with mine, as I make each step forward in earning my role within the field of medicine. I want to fight for every patient with the same heart and devotion my sister upheld during the most testing chapter of her life. I remember once watching her painfully come down the staircase – a pain that I know felt serious and indescribable. She made it downstairs finally, but heard my mother coming from the other end of the house. 
We knew the toll my sister’s ill-state took on our mother, and I remember clearly watching my sister put on the brightest smile as soon as she heard my mother’s arrival. What I saw was genuine. She was not disguising her pain, but she drew upon energy to smile from knowing the comfort it would bring to our mother. This sacrifice, is just one of the many I witnessed – small and large, within family and beyond acquaintances – throughout her battle. As a maturing adult, these sacrifices were empowering to watch – to see strength created from difficulty for selflessness left an invaluable light in my life. I want to return this kindness to patients in similar difficult conditions, empathize with their hurdle and offer my light.

Each and every day I remember. No matter if I am able to say I am finally at peace, I face the loss of an integral portion of my life. Some days can be worse than others, those especially when I wish I could reconnect and hear her wisdom again. I am grateful and forever indebted to those people who have acted as pillars along the way - in little ways they may never realize, they fill the void with a replenishing source of warmth. Closer and closer the void gets to being complete, which is close enough to fuel my aspiration in succeeding forward with sacrifices, similar to the legacy she left. These pillars (friends/family)’s generosity renews hope. Hope for a positive outlook that there is a possibility to turn pain into strength. It finds me in my downhill moments – throughout the roller coaster of medical school – and reminds me of the confidence I hold in bringing my contribution (my story) to the collective light in this world.

My sister’s keeper: You taught me the strength in compassion, with importance placed on selfless love. You helped me to find light in the darkest hours, preparing me for a world filled with limitless potential. You embedded in me the strongest core I could have ever dreamed of. A core that is although impure and dense, still wields an insurmountable wealth of positivity. You guided me to learn the importance of returning to this core consistently, reigniting my continued passion for the limitless connections around me. This confidence, this grace, is something special our world lost in your defeated battle with cancer, but I have vowed to emulate your way of empowerment and these memorable pieces of you with all who I come across throughout my journey in medicine. Just as I have promised in my oath this year, I will remember your teachings and engage with your infectious smile during every moment I share with my patients. Your story lives through the light and hope I pass on in the future.

Here I am, my sister’s keeper.

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